Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
