What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
