I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
