anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
