were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
