how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
