What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She bit a glass in half.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
