one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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