Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
