I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
