Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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