Your mouth is God's brothel.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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