420 ftw
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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