she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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