I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
