Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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