Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
