shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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