Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize