I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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