Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
