It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
