what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
