I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
