Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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