no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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