you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
