I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
