i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
