i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
