Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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