i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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