i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
there was a trapeze. enough said
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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