Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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