I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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