i just wanna soil my oats bro
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
