By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
