So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
