I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
