You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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