Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
