Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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