You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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