I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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