So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
