Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
