I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
