i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
