I will die if light touches me.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
