You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
