I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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