Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
