You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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