Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
