You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
