update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
