I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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