So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Two words: nipple clamps
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