if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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