college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
