if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Randomize