You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
