first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
