There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
