Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
