I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
