I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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